Child-to-Parent Violence: The Role of Repair, Shame, and Support

Child-to-parent violence is often complex, with no simple trigger or solution. When children lash out at their parents, it is a rupture in the relationship and this can at times feel huge, an emotional breakdown that leaves both parties hurting. In these moments, it may not feel safe or possible to immediately repair the damage. Repairing this kind of rupture requires vulnerability, trust, and patience, which may seem impossible when emotions are running high.

However, it’s crucial to remember that the responsibility for initiating the repair often lies with the parent. When aggression or conflict either physically or verbally happens, parents themselves can feel overwhelmed, frightened or helpless this can lead to them retreating, either emotionally or physically, because of the feelings of hurt or frustration. But without the parent’s active involvement in the repair process, the situation risks being left unresolved. Repair is essential for both emotional healing and for restoring a sense of safety in the relationship. This isn’t to say that children shouldn’t be involved in this process, but where they can it’s the parent’s role to step forward and make the first move toward mending the rift. This creates a model of emotional responsibility for the child, showing them that relationships can be repaired even after a conflict.

The Role of Shame in Child-to-Parent Violence

One of the hidden forces behind child-to-parent violence is shame. Children, especially as they grow and develop their own sense of identity, can experience overwhelming emotions that they don’t know how to manage. When these feelings become too intense—be it anger, frustration, or confusion—children may lash out at the very people they love most. However, after the violent incident, these children can experience deep shame. They don’t want to hurt their parents; they want to be loved and accepted, but they don’t know how to express their emotions or even understand them.

Shame acts as a secondary emotion. It layers over the child’s original feeling of being overwhelmed or misunderstood, creating a cycle that can feel impossible to break. Children often have a hard time understanding their emotions or letting their safe adults know what they are feeling as they struggle to find the words to explain. This can lead to them becoming frustrated or overwhelmed and can quickly transform into behaviours that they themselves later regret. What’s crucial to recognise is that the violence is not an expression of wanting to harm their parents but a desperate attempt to cope with overwhelming feelings. We discuss this subject in more detail in our podcast click here to have a listen:

The Impact of Violence on Family Support

Child-to-parent violence can also reduce the support a family receives from their family, friends and community. Parents may withdraw from friends, family, or support networks out of fear of being judged or blamed. The stigma surrounding this issue is profound. It’s easy for parents to feel isolated in their struggles because society often paints them as either failing to control their child or, worse, as the perpetrators themselves. The result is a shrinking circle of support, where parents may feel they have nowhere to turn for help or understanding.

This isolation makes it even harder for families to break the cycle of violence. Without external support, both the parent and child may continue to spiral, unable to find a way out. Therefore, it’s critical for families facing these struggles to reach out for help—whether that’s through increasing their circle of support, therapy, or support groups. Addressing the root causes of the violence, including emotional regulation, attachment issues, and family dynamics, can help both parents and children find healthier ways to communicate and cope.

Breaking the Silence and Finding Compassion

There are often many reasons that child-to-parent violence occurs, these are complex, and families need support to understand and manage violence from children. One of the most powerful steps parents and children can take is to break the silence surrounding child-to-parent violence. By acknowledging the issue and seeking support, parents can begin to take proactive steps to understand the underlying causes of their child’s behaviour and their own emotional responses. This may involve understanding triggers, developing better communication skills, and modelling appropriate emotional expression. Parents may do all of these, and the violence can continue, this is where professional support is invaluable. There may be neurological diversity, underlying needs physically and emotionally that support, guidance and training can be helpful to parents.

Children, too, need compassion and support in their journey toward emotional regulation. It’s not easy for them to navigate a world full of big feelings, and they need adults who are patient and understanding. By creating a safe space for children to express their emotions without fear of judgment, parents can help them develop the tools they need to manage their feelings more constructively.

At the heart of this process is empathy. We need to be able to see beyond the violent outbursts and understand that their child is not inherently bad or destructive and that parents are doing the best they can in the moment to support and care for their child. They are, in many cases, children who are struggling with emotions they don’t understand, and who need guidance, love, and patience to learn how to manage those emotions.

Conclusion

Child-to-parent violence is a heartbreaking issue that affects many families, often leaving them feeling isolated, ashamed, and unsure of where to turn. However, by initiating repairs after conflict, understanding the role of shame in these outbursts, and seeking external support, families can begin to heal. Children who lash out may be doing so because they have deep, unmet emotional needs or there may be other neurological diversity needs. With the right tools, guidance, and compassion, both parents and children can sometimes break the cycle of violence or at the very least reduce the level of violence and develop a tool bag of strategies to support the child as they grow and develop. Rebuilding their relationships in a healthy, supportive way. Breaking the silence around this issue is the first step in fostering understanding, empathy, and lasting change.