Play, Rupture and Repair – the value of having these moments
We strive to give our children with the best of ourselves, this includes love, nurture and connection. However, no relationship is perfect. In all relationships, include those of parent and child there are tensions, disagreements, or misunderstanding— these are ruptures in the relationship. Whilst we might do our best to be attuned and present with our child or teenager, it is evitable that ruptures will happen, whether it's a moment we miss, miscommunication, a behavioural clash, or a failure to connect with the emotional needs of our teen or child. What matters most, however, is not the rupture itself, but how we repair the connection afterward. In the parent-child relationship, repair is a crucial step that builds trust and emotional resilience, whilst creating the lasting and strengthen relationship between child and caregiver.
Philippa
2/27/20254 min read
Understanding Rupture and Repair
In any relationship but particularly those of caregiver and child/teen ruptures are pretty much inevitable, no matter how hard we try to avoid conflict or disconnection. The ruptures may happen from not paying attention to requests of a toddler, or the unmet expectations of a teenager, or in the moments when we are mis-attuned to our child. But a rupture isn’t a disaster or the end of all we have been building with our child. Often it is just the opposite, it is, how we handle these moments—how we approach repair—can make all the difference. This is where the importance of the Repair comes in, that acknowledgment of the rupture, validating feelings, and as the adults initiating the reconnect. It's about showing your child that no matter how big or small the rupture is, you are committed to restoring the emotional connection. This is not about being perfect, getting it right or sometimes even feeling it; it's about showing empathy for their experience, a sadness at the disconnect and wanting to make things right. The most important part of the repair in a parent-child relationship is the parent’s role in taking the lead and modelling. As adults, we have a brain that is much more emotional maturity and able to recognise when these ruptures have happened and the experience to know things will be okay. So, it is our responsibility to model how to repair, as this teaches children and teenagers not only about reconciliation but also about self-regulation and emotional intelligence. This is the same for teenagers, as their brain is going through all sorts wonderful and awesome changes, but they still need our helps as caregivers for a little bit longer. We talk about this in more detail in our podcast aptly named Play, Rupture and Repair.
Why Should the adults do the Repair?
When a these rupture happen, and we as the adults make the repair, it communicates to our child or teenager, that whilst their behaviour or action was not okay, or if we have been mis-attuned, or even unreasonable, that they are still amazing, loveable and worthy of relationships. It helps them understand that they are not the problem but this external event was, whatever that was. This then helps the child to feel a sense of felt safety in the adult relationship, knowing that their emotional needs matter and that relationships are resilient enough to withstand disagreement.
Modelling Healthy Resolution:
Children and teenagers learn best by observing the adults around them. When parents go first in the repair, they model how they are managing their emotions, how they take responsibility for mistakes that they have made and use empathy in tricky situations. This teaches children and teenagers essential social skills for their own relationships throughout life.
Strengthening Trust:
A child’s sense of felt safety is built on predictable, consistent and secure parenting. When a rupture happens, it can sometimes feel like the sense of security a child has developed in an adult has been rocked, leaving the child feeling vulnerable, misunderstood, or unloved. So when the adult then wants to repair the rupture, the parent provides the modelling to the child that the relationship is stable and that love is unconditional—even through difficult moments.
Modelling Good Emotional Expression:
When the adults offer repair it gives children and teenagers a blue print and the permission to express their feelings. It demonstrates the usual undulations of relationships and that emotions—whether anger, disappointment, or sadness—they all have a purpose and can be helpful. This can help children and teenagers feel understood and supported in their big feelings as well as the smaller ones, rather than dismissed.
How does Play support in Reconnection
Play can be a great tool to use when repairing a rupture. Play can provide a non-verbal way for children to express their emotions and for parents to reestablish connection in a gentle, less intense way. For a teenager it can be completed side by side, such as watching them play a video game, or even indirect like sending a funny meme. It can provide the moments that supports both the parent and the child to relax, reconnect, and join in a moment of joint attention.
The Power of Play: Fred Rodgers said "Play is often talked about as if it were a relief from serious learning. But for children play IS serious learning. Play is really the work of childhood" Play can be the most important way that children process and experience their world, express and practice their emotions, and explore who they are. Following a break in the adult child relationship, play could provide a space both physically and psychologically where the adult and the child can be alongside each other and feel the reconnection. This can be a card game, some music or even a moment of silliness or laughter, play helps the energy to change and build the reconnection. This can also provide a moment that naturally changes the focus from conflict to connection. Through play children and parents connect in a moment of joy or at least reduced the tension and support the rebuilding of the connection.
Play to start a conversation:
Play can help children to show their thoughts or emotions without having to use their words. It can also help your teenager to engage with their parent by teaching or showing them their interest or hobby. These can be ways of opening up the conversation and then being curious about your teenager.
Conclusion
Ruptures in the adult-child relationship are part of parenting, and they are an opportunity to model healthy and adaptive repair, for which children and teenagers will need in their adult life. It is how the ruptures are repaired by adult, and it is always the responsibility of the adult, especially with young children and teenagers. When we do this modelling and repairing it supports the development of resilience, empathy, and emotional intelligence. Play can be an invaluable tool in this process, providing a natural, gentle space for reconnection.
The parent-child relationship requires them to feel emotionally safe. When parents can take responsibility for the ruptures, and use play to build connection, they can help their children learn that relationships, no matter how tricky, there can always be a reconnection. This can only serve to deep the attachment and trust, for both child and parent.